Is Blame Creating A Power Struggle In Your Marriage?
Power struggles are ruining your marriage!
And most of us don’t even know that we’re having them.
Today’s video is all about blame
Blame creates a lot of uncomfortable emotions inside of us. That's the reason we shift responsibility to someone else without processing it at a deep level. We want to get rid of those emotions as fast as possible.
When there’s a problem and we turn to blaming each other, we set our marriage up to have a me vs. you mentality.
That’s because blame about shifting responsibility. It’s saying, “This is not my fault. Someone else is responsible.”
The first emotion that often appears is defensiveness. When someone receive blame, their first instinct is to put up a wall to separate them from that emotion as fast as possible.
When we create that separation, we get distracted from finding a solution to the problem.
What can we do if we are being blamed for the problem at hand?
First, take a deep breath and become fully present. Become aware of what you are feeling. Make sure your emotions are not clouding your ability to fully understand the problem and the accusation. Be objective and step outside of your emotion.
Do a mental search to ask yourself, “How have I contributed to this problem, either directly or indirectly?” If you find that you have some involvement in the situation at hand, admit it. Acknowledging your mistakes are a part of living an authentic life with integrity.
Then commit yourself to helping solve the problem. If it’s too late to make changes, commit to understanding the problem and how it could have been prevented.
At the first opportunity, take the time to process the entire situation. Journaling is a great way to work through your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Some questions to ask yourself as you journal:
- What could I have done differently to prevent the problem?
- What actions or inactions could I have changed?
- How could I have handled the situation better?
- When confronted, what emotions popped up?
- Did the conversation trigger any self-judgment?
- What do I think about myself in relation to the problem?
- How does that thought make me feel?
- What am I making this situation mean about me?
- How do I act when I have these thoughts and feelings?
- What is the outcome of those actions?
- Do these thoughts and emotions serve me?
- Do they justify an indulgent emotion and action?
- How do I want want to feel about this situation?
- What are the thoughts of a person who feels this way?
- How does that person act?
- What is the outcome of those actions?
What can we do if our husband shares the responsibility for the problem?
When a problem arises, it’s easy to immediately turn to our husband and point out his involvement. We want the problem solved. We want the him to help solve that problem. Or at least prevent it from happening again. This feels like a reasonable and natural expectation.
If you find yourself in this situation, take a moment to develop awareness around your emotions. Become the compassionate observer of yourself and your husband. From there, you can begin effective communication that will connect you together.
Before you discuss the problem with your husband, take a moment and step into your zone of compassion. Your energy will make it easier for him to let down the defensive walls that are a common response to blame.
Remember, you are a team. This is a problem. Together you can solve problems. Approach him with the intention that you are going to work together.
If he becomes defensive and is unwilling to accept responsibility or to take a unified approach to solving the problem, don’t take it personally. We are not responsible for the emotions of other people, including our husband. He gets to be him. You get to be you. He has the power to choose how he will react. You have the power to choose your reaction as well.
Remember, you are always at choice.
You cannot control your husband.
You cannot control your circumstances.
You can always control your perspective.